I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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