Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
