I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
