I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
