One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
