I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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