Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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