Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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