The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
