I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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