She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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