We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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