Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
