Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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