Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize