Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
