Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
