Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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