You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just took my morning after pill in the library
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
