you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
