whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
