so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
