my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
