I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
