It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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