We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
