I think I won the penis lottery.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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