How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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