I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
not ubering you a puppy
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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