why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
