guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
where am i from again
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
