420 ftw
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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