he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
