I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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