I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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