So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
