I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize