So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
