And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
So many bounce houses so little time
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Randomize
