I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
