I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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