Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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