I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Found your dick twin last night
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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