So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
