i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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