Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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