My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
