you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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