He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
