Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
