Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
