What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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