Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
