I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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