Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
you had me at cake vodka
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
