The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
