I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
