i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
