Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Brb crying the tears of my youth
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
