I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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